Volume 3, 2006

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Featured Topic: Asking For Help

Inside This Issue

Think Before You Ask

Has this ever happened to you: you ask for help and the person gives you a response that just will not work for you? Sometimes it is so off-base that you interrupt them with, "but…" Did you ask the wrong person? Perhaps you did not think through what you were asking before you made your request.

Write down your concern or problem on the top of a page. Jot down everything that you already know about it including what you have tried before. Don’t worry about being neat. Just scribble all over the page. At the bottom of the page, write, "What have I yet to try?"

Next, write down your fears concerning the problem. For each fear, pen possible solutions. If you can, brainstorm with another person. Don’t concern yourself with how you will implement the solutions, just get them down on the paper.

Now, go back and circle the solutions that you have uncertainties about. Mark everything that you have a question about. At the bottom of this page, write, "Who might have this information?"

Now you are ready to ask for help. Pick someone with experience in this area who is also a strategic thinker. Briefly state the problem and review what you have done before. Ask, "What else might work here?"

Take your list of circled fears and find a person who has knowledge and experience in that area. Ask, "How can I overcome this?"

With the answers that you get, come up with a plan that makes sense for you and your unique situation. Thinking before you ask can result in answers that you are more willing to embrace. Perhaps you did not ask the wrong person; you just asked the wrong question.

What Our Clients Are Saying

“I have already used several techniques from the seminar. I think through things before I say them to avoid using the TroubleWords. This makes me rephrase things before they create a problem. For me, this seminar has given me tools to tackle a potentially career limiting habit.”

Irene LeCourt, Blue Circle, Phoenix, AZ

“My favorite part was the knowledge gained from learning to improve my listening skills. The one-on-one was time well spent. I often recommend your training. You can use it everyday all day.”

Beverly Clark, North American Support Center

In The News

Beverly Inman-Ebel spoke at Global Summit in Egypt.

Irene Natividad, President of the 2006 Global Summit of Women announced that the success of this year's event, held in Cairo, Egypt June 10 -12, 2006 was due to outstanding speakers such as our CEO, Beverly Inman-Ebel. Beverly spoke on "Effective Communication Skills: Marketing Yourself." Her speech was translated into both French and Arabic for the audience from 88 countries.

Natividad says, "The Global Summit of Women celebrated its 16th year of bringing together women leaders in business, government, the professions and enterprises of all sizes." This year’s summit was entitled, "Redefining Global Leadership." Natividad reports that Inman-Ebel, named "International Woman Entrepreneur 2004-2006", came highly recommended as an international speaker with experience speaking in other Islamic countries, Africa, and eastern Europe.

The Other Side of the Coin: Taking Help

It does little good to ask for help unless you are willing to take it. Before you can take it, you have to receive it. If help is extended to you verbally, listening becomes a valuable skill. Have you ever accepted help only to find out later that you misunderstood what aid was offered? If you have, it is time to sharpen your listening skills.

Listen for vague words. This can include vocabulary such as: more; better; a lot; significant amount; all the time; they; etc. These words are left up to interpretation. For instance, what does "a lot of money" mean to you? If you hear, "They need to do better", do you know precisely who "they" are and just what constitutes "better"?

When you hear vague words, ask for clarification as soon as possible. For instance, "Bob, when you say ‘a lot of money’ what range are you talking about?" Or, "Sue, when you say ‘they’, specifically to whom are you referring?" After you get clarification, encourage the speaker to continue talking. Make sure you keep listening.

Once the conversation is completed and you have reached agreement, take one more step to ensure that you have agreed to the same understanding. Quickly summarize your understanding, using your own words rather than the words that the other person used and then tag on a "right?" This summation could sound like this, "So Bob, you are agreeing to donate $5000.00 to ABC charity and you want the entire amount to be spent on toys for children under the age of 8, right?"

Also listen with your eyes when you are asking for help. Rapid head nods usually indicate that the person understands so you can pause and get verification of that. Sudden movements usually indicate that the listener is under some stress and is not the best listener at that moment. When the other person is talking, listen for increases in pitch, volume and rate that can signify that the person is excited.

Sometimes the help you seek is something material (like a donation) and other times you are looking for advice. Whatever kind of help you are searching for, remember to listen completely when the other person is speaking. And realize that your body will send similar signals such as sudden movements and increased rate if you do not like what you hear. Be aware of the voice and body signals that you are sending.

Take things one step at a time:

  1. Explain your situation.
  2. Ask for help.
  3. Listen for the response.
  4. Ensure that you understand the response.

Whether you take the advice or help is immaterial. When you ask, you need to listen.

How to Ask for Help, Even If You Don't Want To!

Vincent Ivan Phipps

This month’s theme is a tough one because personally I don’t like asking for help. The truth is, I need help from others a lot more than I care to admit. The areas in which I need help the most are being patient, looking over details, and stating my high expectations of others clearly upfront before blowing up later! So what about you?

How comfortable are you with saying to someone, "I need your help." Ouch, it hurt just to type it!

Still suffering some welcomed reminder pain from breaking my neck in September 2005, it is fresh in my memory about how many times a day I had to ask for someone’s help. My ego was lowered, and my humility was increased (some said I needed a little bit of both)!

Take the following tips to heart:

There are many ways to alleviate the unpleasantness of asking for help. Take comfort in knowing that as soon as you complete this article, you may need help. There is no shame in accepting help. The only shame is in making your road harder to travel by denying someone who cares the opportunity to give you a lift.

Move smarter and lead by example!

At The Drop of a Hat

For many of us, asking for help is a challenge if not nearly impossible. Our pride, unwillingness to admit we need support, and sheer ego keep us from seeking the assistance we so often need.

There are, however, those who can ask for help, "At the Drop of a Hat." So what does this article’s theme of asking for help, have to do with the expression, "At the Drop of a Hat?" Continue reading and find the answer.

Today, races are started by several methods: firing a pistol, blowing a whistle, saying "on your mark; get set; go!" Etc. Several years ago, drag (auto) racing was a popular sport. Because of large crowds, roars from oversized engines and other noises, starting this race with an auditory signal was hard for each racer to hear. The suggestion of having the starter do something visual was mentioned and in a spontaneous effort, the dropping of a hat was used. This made it easier for the drivers to look forward and have something universal they could all see. When the hat left the starter’s hand, the race began.

Today, not just in racing, but in any effort where someone is willing to do something quickly, we still use the expression, at the drop of a hat.

We all need support at some point. Usually, those who are too prideful to ask are often in the position to help others. If you are uncomfortable asking for help (even when you really need it!), remember the joy you receive by helping others.

Should you need more information about asking for assistance on improving your communication skills, please feel free to ask for our help. We’ll be there at the drop of a hat!

Happy Birthday!

A very happy belated birthday to our clients whose birthdays were in April and May.

April: Dianne Talmadge, John Ferris, Christopher Henry, David Brinker, Steve Pear, Jennie Hubin, Blake Evans, Maurice Chung, Theresa Higdon, Belinda Brady, Betty Garalis, Keith Palen, Chad Goare, Rob Morella, Didi Pratz, Ted Gustufson.

May: Ray Repic, Pat Williams, Ann Dozier, Le Nguyen, Lamario Stripling, Jim Blasingame,Trish Smith, Jimmy Wardlaw, Lori Malko, Mike Hickey, Philip D. Meade, B Wayne Hanson, Lee Fiata, Joe Burchfield, Mike McNearney, Vicki Palmer, Pat Williams, Ann Dozier, Le Nguyen, Lamario Stripling, Jim Blasingame,Trish Smith, Jimmy Wardlaw, Lori Malko, Mike Hickey, Philip D. Meade, B Wayne Hanson, Lee Fiata, Joe Burchfield, Mike McNearney, Vicki Palmer.

June happy birthdays to the following clients: Karole A. Keith, Tom Clark, Brian Travers, Gilbert Francis, Phil Sanford, Ronald McKinney, Harold Kelley, Rhonda Russell, Jim Bevins, Darlene Clott, Mary Duffy, Donna Bartenfield, Ravi Krishnaswami, Gary Smith, Beverly Clark, Erin Fuller, Stephanie Withers, James Howell, David Clarke, Marj Flemming, Julie Van Valkenburg.

Featured Service: Asking for Individual Coaching

When you join a team or decide to get into shape, a fitness coach does not materialize and come to you: you have to ask for help. That asking may be implicit by the mere fact that you have applied for a position on a team. For your career goals and professional improvement, you will need to seek out a communication coach and request his/her help.

Are you aware of obstacles in the path of your career goals? Awareness may take the form of recognizing patterns of behaviors. These patterns can be your own, or it may be patterns in the ways that other people respond to you and your behaviors. Sometimes it is a significant other (spouse, good friend, supervisor, etc.) that recognizes these patterns.

You now recognize that change is needed and you are committed to doing what it takes to effectuate that change. A communication coach can help you articulate your goals, establish a plan of action, keep you focused and offer you guidance and practice in a safe environment.

Asking for help is not the recognition of a weakness. Rather it is a self-awareness that leads to connectivity with others.

TLC offers individual communication coaching. To start the process, call (888-BECAUSE) or email tap@talklisten.com today and ASK FOR HELP!

Ask The Experts

Dear TLC,

I have a co-worker whom I will call, "Stub," short for stubborn! Stub has over 20 years of managing experience but has recently been transferred to my new department where he is still learning the ropes. He fills out paperwork wrong, he uses his old processes instead of using our new ones, and by-passes our process using mass emails and spends unnecessary time making multiple phone calls. He refuses to admit he needs to ask for help. We need his input because he does have valuable experience. How can I get him to accept the help he so desperately needs? Signed,-Stumped with Stub

Dear Stumped,

We have two suggestions, one short term and one long term:

Short Term: Outline the specific tasks and skills you want someone in his position to be able to perform. To prevent alienating him, you may do this for everyone (this may help your entire department). Ask Stub which of the skills he has and which need more training. Compare his list with yours and assign someone (maybe you) to conduct on-the-job training. Let Stub know this is an effort to make everyone in the department stronger. Since technology and methods change so often, it is important to keep everyone up to speed.

Long Term: Sign Stub up for TLC’s Season Tickets. We offer several classes on improving communication, leadership, and other core skills. Considering these workshops are fun, interactive, and information packed (including a day out of the office on Friday and a great buffet lunch), several clients have offered this as a reward to valuable employees, www.talklisten.com/seminars/tickets/.

Some people, regardless of age or experience, find it hard to admit they need help and often find it challenging to let go of old ways and learn new approaches. Provide options for Stub and present them in the forms of appreciation and reward and watch his level of receptivity open.

Chief Executive Opinion: "Practice What You Preach"

Beverly Inman-Ebel, MA CCC-SLP

I learned long ago that if you want to get good at something, teach it. I strive to apply that lesson to my life. Quite frankly, I am pretty lousy at asking for help for myself. I am quite good at asking for others.

By using the techniques that we have developed here at TLC, I can help others to master the art of questioning. I am able to get to the bottom of a problem by probing for the answers. So what are the reasons I hold back on asking for help for myself?

Part of it is my behavioral style. Being a high D, the extrovert that is task focused, I am reluctant to reveal my weaknesses. While a confident person, admittedly sometimes without sufficient justification, I resist asking for advice. I realize that I do not know it all. I guess I just think I have the ability to figure it out for myself. This approach costs dearly in time and money.

This year I have a desire to change that. I have substantial goals to accomplish here at TLC, and although I have been a business owner for 25 years, there is much to learn. Here is part of my plan. If you share in my reluctance, perhaps this will help you also.

I am confidant that I have left something out of my plan, so let me begin my quest with you. What do you know about business that you think would help me? Now, please do not think that what you have to offer is too simple or something that surely I would know. It will be interesting to see who responds and what advice or knowledge they will impart.

In business or our personal lives, we realize that when we boil it down, it is all about relationships. TLC participated in our local Chamber Expo in February. I saw many former clients and business people that I had not seen in years. I went home tired that night with a big smile on my face. Life really is all about relationships. Perhaps we begin by asking for help from people with whom we have a relationship.

What about you? What help do you need to be seeking? The Bible tells us, "Seek and ye shall find." Most of us like to be needed and to help when we can. Let’s get better at asking for help. Seek. Find. Live your dreams!

TLC establishes long-term relationships with our clients. If we have helped you or if you believe our approach to change would work for someone you know, please request a proposal or phone 1-888-232-2873. We work with individuals and groups on the following subject areas: attitude, listening, body language, voice, leadership, compliments and corrections, behavioral style, teamwork, effective meetings, public speaking, accent reduction and much more!.

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